Worth the Wait:

Life is the time we have to make our dreams come true.

Someone who I really admire wrote the following post about two months ago, but I think the timing of my seeing it was not coincidence. For a long time, I've struggled with trying to reconcile my innate passion and drive to be a high profile professional with the concept of some day being a wife and mother. The two seems to be in direct opposition to each other in my mind. And, to be honest, right now the idea of being a mom freaks me out. I know that it'll be great, but I also know there will be excruciatingly hard moments. I suspect the decision to become a mom and have kids will be much like the decision to serve a mission and get married. I knew they would be great, but I knew they would be hard. (NOTE: Marriage isn't hard - it's amazing. Nuf said.) But, when I was ready to serve a mission, I was ready to take on the good and the bad. I was ready for long days, hard work, and emotionally taxing situations. When I went, I knew that I had done all I could to prepare for those moments, even if I was still desperately under-qualified. But, it was worth the wait.  So was marriage. For a long, long time I really wasn't ready to get married. I wasn't ready to put someone else's needs above my own, to care for them as I would care for myself, and to make sure him dreams, goals, and values were always within reach for him. But, when I was emotionally prepared to give that, God quickly put me in the path of someone who would do the same. Marriage was worth the wait.  My mission was amazing. Hard, but amazing. My marriage is amazing. In our first month of marriage we faced things that most couples face over a five to ten year period (moving cross country, job changes, unemployment, and starting to live with a member of the opposite gender). But, I felt ready, even if I sometimes felt or feel unqualified. It was worth the wait. In ways that are personal to me, I've come to learn that God qualifies those he calls. As we struggle through unmet expectations, crappy dinners, and no work out days (all of which are aspects that terrify me of being a mom right now), etc. God will help us improve. 
So, I'm not sure when my friend will be a queen of small country, but I don't doubt she will be. And I have no idea when I'll be ready to be a mom, or how my dreams will be reconciled, but I don't doubt they will be. 

SUNDAY, APRIL 22, 2012

Why "Queen of A Small Country?"

I worried that the name of this blog would sound a little silly, as in 'what country'? 'what queen?'
It's actually just a simple joke on me, and here's the story:
About 5 years ago my sweet husband came home from a long day at work to find me in tears, knee-deep in kids and unmet expectations. Crappy dinner. Probably no workout, cagey day. As I vented and vented about how much I hated it, how Motherhood made me feel like I was a round peg trying to shove myself into a square hole, I finally concluded, "There's been some hugemistake. This is all wrong. I wasn't meant to be a mom. I know I was meant to be the Queen of some small country!!!"
I was totally 100% serious when I said it. I really believed it. Some days I still do. But at that point my husband, as usual with my freakouts, tried I'm sure to suppress his giggles, all the while trying to figure out how to fix it all.
I got over it that day, and every other day that felt that way. Barbara Bush once described her child-rearing time as "Long Days and Short Years". Nothing more true than that. Some days you want it to end. NOW. Other days you know you're seeing into eternity, with 60 seconds of bliss that somehow makes all the other stuff work it. I still work to reconcile this job. I'll always be a round peg, only now I've created my own round hole to fit in. Just to be myself and be their mother and realize that it's not mutually exclusive.